Illigitimi nil carborundum

The human condition is a funny old thing. It’s amazing how quickly we adapt to new circumstances; how easily our minds transition from one state to another. The last twenty four hours has been good. There were even times when the word cancer wasn’t buzzing around in front of my eyes like a particularly malicious wasp.

I took an eighty year old camera up into the foot hills of the Black Mountains and shot two rolls of film. I felt normal, I felt positive, and immersed in something I love, I felt that whatever happens to my body, I’ve still got this.

This morning I rode my bike. It would be cruel of me to let my current state deprive the world of the sight of yet another middle aged man in Lycra, so a quick circuit of Sugarloaf to blow away the cobwebs was good therapy. At one point I even lifted my hands off the bars in the type of victory salute I’ve not done in a long time, and laughed out loud at the absurdity of the rollercoaster of my life over the past couple of months.

I’ve decided that whatever the next few weeks or months throw at me, I’m going to treat this episode of my life as an opportunity. It may well take certain things away from me, but whatever the trajectory, I can grow in other ways, discover new things about myself.

The surgeons, anaesthetists, and medics can take care of my body. There’s nothing I can do about that, I’m in their hands. My mind however is my own, and that won’t be defeated. There will be good days and bad days, but a war is made up of many battles, and I’m ready for them. The important thing is that life has to go on as near to normal as possible. I won’t be defined by whatever it is that’s growing inside me, and I’ll choose those who fight by my side carefully.

This morning in the kitchen, just before I got on my bike, I was rebuked for leaving my dirty coffee cup on the side.

“Why don’t you ever put your cup in the dishwasher? It’s right underneath where you left it!’

“You can’t tell me off, I’ve got cancer!”

“I don’t care! You can still put your bloody cup in the dishwasher”

With people like that fighting beside me, I’ve got a bloody good chance of winning. Today I’m smiling. This bastard will not grind me down!